June 12, 2022

Communicating from a Place of Sickness & Pain

a brief(?) communication about the time i am in:

this is a water tiger (death-fear) year, and all of my inherited and conduct/ignorance related disease symptoms have returned in not a small way. i have learned, brutally, over the last 42 years, about living a life based on a disability justice ethic (instead of just continually reaching for an ableist brass ring), as well as a poverty-class solidarity ethic… while maintaining that oneself must take responsibility for acting ethically within an intensely displeasurable and undesirable situation, regardless of the context or content.

that being said, my fate & ancestral karma is one of curses, projection, enslavement, genocide, colonization, abandonment, thievery, exile and various demonic shenanigans. i don’t say this to be funny or to claim high status, but i know that i have no control over how people interpret what i am saying. I have no control over your capacity to hear me.

i started using facebook in this kind of oracular, poetic, hey-i’m-trying-to-have-real-relationships way a few years ago, and have watched my own whiplash effects from the ocean of suffering that is this mirror called social media. i have watched charlatans be exalted, narcissists become more wealthy, and traumatized people become more ignorant. i have also seen a few people who have self-dedicated to a path of discernment become more clear in their own creative act of awareness and perception. perhaps my public performance art has even *gasp* helped a few people live a more related life.

i long for better ways to continue my public writing and discourse, and i am encountering severe double binds in this medium.

for one, the constant parasocial relationships style of many people (look it up), combined with the projection insanity of so many people thinking they know me and know what i mean from one or two facebook posts, intersects with the various gender-related cultural indoctrinations we are all dealing with.

what this means is that me sharing me, seems to harm or otherwise unduly effect those i am in close relationship with, because of conflicting needs and cultural patterns.

adding to this, the increased cost of my own medical care and my increasing disability. (i may need to do some kind of gofundme type thing to try and generate/receive $500 a month)

there are also other honesties and creations i wish to share, but the environment is such that i am no longer willing or able to be so openly frank. (yes, i’m wary that even this level of transparency is doing me more social harm than good) i have wondered about a substack that is “just for me”, but i am loathe to continue to outsource my generosity to corporate platforms that do not have OUR collective best interests in mind.

this year has shown me how much of a pickle i am actually always in, though full of gratitude nonetheless for this precious opportunity to practice dharma, even if the perceived lack of reciprocity and community nourishment is ill-fitting.

it is a very thin line i walk, offering services that do not bow down to the culturally-mandated propaganda of ‘individual trauma healing for increased capitalist abundance’. the preparatory containers must be designed from the ground up, the right view must be constantly re-introduced, and even then, most people do not want them, much less are willing or able to pay for them. but i know that the sky has always been falling and the waters have always been rising, but i suspect as the hour creeps closer to midnight, the refuge we seek will be further co-opted by snake oil salesmen with updated language tricks.

you may hear more from me here (or i just may share memes) or i may be going on a long self-imposed renunciation, try to get my needs met in other ways. it’s unclear. but for what it’s worth, it’s been a blast experimenting for the last few years, it’s brought in a lot of what i like and a lot of what i don’t like. every day is a day we didn’t have to wake up, every breath is a breath our body didn’t have to take, and one day, it will be the last time. i don’t want to die with grudges, so maybe i have to live a life in which i am not exposed to so many reasons to generate them.

to all those people (mostly white men lets be real) that decided to act in garbage ways that forced me to refine my own attention, this blood’s for you.

May all beings be liberated from their suffering. May all beings become aware of their eternal interdependence. May all beings dismantle the inner and outer systems that lead to our collective oppression.

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some of us have fates that are very biologically unpleasant. trying to hack or escape these fates makes the situation worse. we live in a westernized culture that believes that fate can be mastered, tamed and broken. this is similar to certain nondual interpretations of escaping samsara.

i think its useful to keep the impulse for improvement as long as its collective and not strictly personal. this urge gets us moving toward wisdom. but wisdom itself is not merely about self esteem or whatever we desire. wisdom encompasses everything including what we believe to be morally reprehensible. the universe doesnt abide by human standards. the universe is infinitely accepting of all patterns.

but we are human currently and this kind of ethical challenge is part of our collective fate.
some people find contentment in a kind of dissociative nonduality, and call it emptiness. some repattern their system into a kind of constant trance or bliss state. neither of these is wrong per se, but neither are right either, they are just coping paths with various side effects.

since everyones karmic fate is a bit different, we have to make very complex judgments and decisions, usually that we are not quite equipped to make, because our culture hasnt prepared us. this is why we often feel burdened, enslaved or trapped by ancestral and karmic momentum.

in the heightened mutation of our human cultures, we will be pushed more and more into a kind of extreme intensification of choice, option and amplification. to deal with this we must find the sublime joy in subtlety and in how we participate with and guide our attention, which includes how we perceive pain, fear and hunger/desire.

because many people have been born with a backlog of karmic burden, manifesting in various chronic illness etc, we should develop better compassion and a disability justice ethic because so many people are remediating terrible karmas without proper support or cultural understanding.
we need to understand that sometimes healing is just supportively being with people whose fates are horribly painful.

but we are human currently and this kind of ethical challenge is part of our collective fate.

some people find contentment in a kind of dissociative nonduality, and call it emptiness. some repattern their system into a kind of constant trance or bliss state. neither of these is wrong per se, but neither are right either, they are just coping paths with various side effects.

we need to understand that sometimes healing is just supportively being with people whose fates are horribly painful.

Communicating from a Place of Sickness & Pain

Communicating from a Place of Sickness & Pain

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